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David Cameron “We must hunt down and berate fat kids who are rubbish at sports”
In a move to end “non-competitive sports days” the Prime Minister today announced new measures to berate overweight pupils who come last in running races. Mr Cameron told News Toad this morning,...
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Iain Duncan Smith “Poor people should beg for their benefits like barking seals”
Poor people will be required to sit on podiums, dive through hoops and perform other assorted tricks in order to receive benefit cheques which they will then catch in their mouths, according to Work...
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Westminster council to roll fat people down hills
Obese people could face cuts to their benefits if they do not agree to roll down a steep hill, under new plans being outlined by a local council. Westminster City Council has published a report...
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David Cameron “Simpler flat rate pension to keep old people out of restaurants”
The new flat rate state pension has been formulated with the sole objective of keeping old people out of restaurants, according to leaked e-mails between Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of...
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Robert Mugabe to advise George Osborne on economy
Robert Mugabe is to be flown into Britain to offer advice on fiscal policy as part of emergency Government measures, it was revealed today. Having recently brought inflation in his country from a...
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Local authorities demand more taxes to wank into a bucket
Councils throughout Britain are demanding more taxes to wank into a bucket as little is left in the coffers for basic services after the majority of local authority income has been wanked into a...
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Iain Duncan Smith “Stack shelves or we’ll shoot you.”
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has moved forward with his controversial plans to have every British citizen work in a supermarket with today’s announcement “Stack shelves or we’ll shoot...
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Cameron to round up stray Tories in the style of ‘One man and his dog’
David Cameron has been secretly wining and dining the producers of hit TV sports show ‘One man and his dog’ in a bid to round up stray grass roots tories who are determined to have their own opinions...
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Labour “better in a fight” than Conservatives
The Labour party have come out as odds on favourites in the event of a fist fight with the Conservatives, according to recently published data from the Office for National Statistics. A spokesman...
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Iain duncan Smith “Benefit claimants should eat each other”
People between jobs and struggling to survive on subsistence benefits should minimise food bills by simply tucking into themselves and other benefit claimants, according to Work and Pensions Secretary...
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Benefit claimants must ‘ride on a lion’ warns Iain Duncan Smith
Britain will not give EU immigrants any more benefits unless they are prepared to ride around on the back of a lion, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has warned, after Brussels launched...
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Ed Balls ‘Genetically modified old people will grow fur coats’
Mr Eddie Balls, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer and arguably number two in the ‘same shit different faces’ party has told a press conference that his pledge to stop winter fuel cash payments to...
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Government to send old people down mines
Old people must be sent down mines and not allowed up again unless they have dug up something of value in new legislation suggested this morning by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking...
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Government to only pay Sickness Benefit for 1970s afflictions
Iain Duncan Smith has announced this morning that sickness benefit will only be available for 1970s illnesses in part of further changes to the benefits system. “There was none of this long term...
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Slutty panda to blame for unwanted pregnancy
Edinburgh Zoo has today become the focus for world wide condemnation on the news that yet another panda has exhibited loose morals and managed to get themselves up the duff. An editorial in the Daily...
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Iain Duncan Smith “Universal Credits will work if poor people stop having sex”
Iain Duncan Smith has this morning insisted that his Universal Credits project can and will work, on the proviso that all would be claimants keep their pants on and refrain from any form of sexual...
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Simon Cowell to lead panel as Britain seeks country to replace Scotland
An interview panel including David Cameron, Simon Cowell, Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog has been sent up to grill representatives from a number of countries to assess their suitability to replace...
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Iain Duncan Smith “I could run a piss up in a brewery”
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has hit back at critics who claim that he couldn’t run a piss up in a brewery with the clear response “I could. I could run a piss-up in a brewery.” “It’s...
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“Speak English or lose benefits” Iain Duncan Smith tells Geordies
People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “I’ve had another epiphany. I...
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George Osborne “I’ll lick all the food in food banks”
A re-elected non coalition Conservative Government will lick all the food in the food banks before any poor people can eat it, the Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today . “Our...
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