People between jobs and struggling to survive on subsistence benefits should minimise food bills by simply tucking into themselves and other benefit claimants, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith.
“They all need to get together and decide by rolling dice or playing twister who should be first for the pot. For solitary benefit claimants they could maybe eat one of their own arms or legs, depending on which one they need least.
Personally I could quite easily survive on £53 a week by altering my diet to feast on human flesh. Obviously I need both arms and legs, to march around town centres pouring disdain on the general public, so I wouldn’t be consuming any of my own limbs or vital organs.”
George Osborne has poured scorn on charities and religious institutions who have criticised the plans, accusing them of peddling ‘headline seeking nonsense’ “Under our plans 9 out of 10 households will be better off, if a little smaller in number”
UKIP leader Nigel Farararage has voiced his tentative support for the scheme but also concern that things might get a bit foreign. “Cannibalism is all very well but they’ll have to make each other into British dishes if they want our support. In a pie with chips is OK but if they’re going to start making each other into enchiladas and stir fries we’ll have to say sorry but you’ve crossed the line.”
Celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall also had some pointers for those following Mr Duncan Smith’s advice. “I only really approve of people eating expensive food but if I was to feast on a chubby benefit claimant, I would spend a few days following them round and putting a sprig of parsley in every orifice whenever they look the other way. And throwing a few shallots in the tub whenever they have a bath”.
