The Labour party have come out as odds on favourites in the event of a fist fight with the Conservatives, according to recently published data from the Office for National Statistics. A spokesman told us “It’s all very well them standing in parliament arguing about methods of fiscal deficit reduction, but sooner or later it’s all going to kick off and the matter will be decided by who gets knocked over. Or runs away.”
The latest figures oust the Conservative party who have traditionally been seen as the party for ‘Queensbury rules’ as many are actually related to the Marquis of Queensbury. But with former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott having a habit of punching people that wouldn’t vote for him and more recently Eric Joyce’s penchant for starting bar room brawls, the widely used ‘Biff-ometer’ has swung dramatically to the left.
Labour Party leader Eddie Miliband said that the new figures reflected the public mood as to which party was a little bit more handy. “The public trust us to protect public services and know that if it kicks off we’ll be on it like a whippet up a drainpipe. And our Right Honourable colleagues will be most likely returning to their constituencies in a fucking ambulance”.
Deputy leader of the Labour Party has made no secret that she plans to plans to ‘take out’ Home Secretary Theresa May in the first round of any scrap. “Theresa will obviously use one of her very pointy high heels as a weapon but I’ll misdirect her by saying ‘Look a bird!’ and then I’ll kick her where it hurts most. Wherever that is”.
David Cameron has argued that the statistics are flawed and should be calculated using different criteria. “Look if anyone actually thinks I couldn’t have Milliband in a straight fight then they need a reality check. The issue we have is that Miliband has that hulking great Ed Balls as his wing man. I on the other hand have George Osborne who will shit his pants and hide under a table”.
The Office for National statistics have also highlighted a possible anomaly to the figures. “For some reason they haven’t taken ex-military man Iain Duncan Smith into account. As we speak he is rumoured to have covered his face in mud and leaves, and begun setting up booby traps around the House of Commons. Should this be the case, things could go either way.”
