David Cameron has been secretly wining and dining the producers of hit TV sports show ‘One man and his dog’ in a bid to round up stray grass roots tories who are determined to have their own opinions on things, according to an unnamed source.
“He’s infuriated with trying to come across as a man of the people when grass roots tory candidates keep sending their children to private school, opposing gay marriage and being all Daily Maily about things. He’s quite rightly come to the conclusion that he needs more control over them. He’s always been a fan of ‘One man and his dog’ and feels this to be the best way to keep his party in order.”
Tory Candidate for Eastleigh Maria Hutchings has denied that Conservative head office have attempted to sideline her by having a dog herd her into a specific pen whilst David Cameron blows a whistle. “It’s nonsense” she told us “I’m going off to stand in that enclosure over there entirely of my own volition.”
Observers in parliament this morning, who were not surprised to see Mr Cameron sporting a hat and a shiny new whistle, may have been shocked to find that his new ‘dog’ was actually Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith in a dog costume. Mr Duncan Smith has made it clear that he will take his new canine responsibilities very seriously.
“I’m a metaphorical dog but I will actually bite people” he told us.
