People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith.
“I’ve had another epiphany. I was busy imposing tough new language tests for migrants and then I realised that half the country don’t speak English properly. Mainly the top half. Once a fortnight we ask these people if they have been looking for work and they confuse us with answers like Aye, Nahh and eeeh man, ahm gannin te the booza . Nobody knows what they mean. How they expect to find a job speaking such mumbo jumbo is completely beyond me.”
The move comes amidst rumours of a wider cull in benefits for claimants engaging in all northern dialects. One claimant told us “They’ve taken £10 a week off my benefits until I stop referring to bread rolls as barm cakes. Apparently they’re not penalising people who call them tea cakes as yet so I’m moving to Huddersfield.”
Mr Duncan Smith has denied that his policies may alienate much of the population and has called them a ‘victory for common sense’.
“We could understand if they were recent immigrants but they’ve been here for hundreds of years and the fact that they don’t speak conventional English is pure laziness. If they find a Surrey accent too difficult they could maybe try the West African accent which is slow and clear and at least people can understand it.”
We asked Spender actor Jimmy Nail for a comment. But we weren’t sure what he said.
